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8 April Funny for us MichigandersAmyLynn sent this to me--hilarious!!
You Know You are a True Michigander When: 1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75 for the weekend. 2. You measure distance in hours. 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again. 5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). 7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. 9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 11. You know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent. 13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 15. Down South to you means Indiana 16. A brat is something you eat. 17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed. 18. You go out to fish fry every Friday. 19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 5 February Wit and WisdomJust a side note here....The other day hubby was talking to stepson. Stepson, instead of listening, says "there's a bug on the wall". His father told him to pick it up and toss it outside. Stepson freaked out. Touch a bug?! His father picked it up and put it in the boy's hand and stepson freaked out further.
I called 7 yr old daughter into the room. Daughter is a girly girl. Very feminine. Not tomboyish at all. I tell her to pick up the bug and take it outside. She asks "Is it a bee?". I assured her it wasn't. "Are you sure it won't bite?", she asks. I assure her it won't bite or sting. She looked at it for a moment, picked it up, opened the door, and tossing it out. Poor stepson. Shown up by a 7 yr old girl.
Proof my dear hubby is insane:
"Remember that lotion I bought to lube you up? I’m going to go lube my yo-yo with it. Can you feel it?"
I don't know which is more disturbing--that he did it or said it. OH well, at least he's getting some use out of it.
He was saying that after retierment he's going to grow a ZZ Top beard. I said that was fine, I was going to have short blue hair. He said "You'll look like a freak from Total Recall. Don't forget to get a third boob."
I grinned at him and patted his side. "I already have it, dear."
He shook my hand.
One day a friend and I were sitting in church talking with a wonderful young lady. Her husband was supposed to sing, but he'd forgotten his tape. He came over and told her she'd have to go get it. She didn't want to and tried to talk him into going himself. Finally she said she'd go. After he walked away, both my friend and I said that we'd have made him go if we were in her shoes. After she left, I turned to my divorced friend and said "We are not the people to take marriage advice from!" lol It'd be like a 600 pound person giving dieting tips.
Son's view on divorce and custody issues: If the parents can't agree on who their children should live and they both want the children to live with themselves, they should just get back together. "But," I explained, "the parents don't get along anymore." "That's ridiculous!", He scoffed at me.
Life thru a child's eyes is so simple, isn't it?
Son said he'd be 18 in 11 years. Daughter said "How old will I be?"
In the movie, The Brothers Grimm, one character is complaining about the food being served to him. "Who gave birth to this?!" He laments. I'm going to use this line for all sorts of things! Messes left on the table...etc etc. Asking my younger sister if she wants to have a candle party, she replied " oh i dont want to do a party, my life is a party everyday. like the baby thinks it is party time from 11;00 to 3;00 am".
I've had some person call my phone and ask for somebody. I tell him time and time again he has the wrong number and he always asks me "are you sure?" i'm sure what my name is and it isn't what he's asking for (AmyLynn)
Son made a mistake one day. He realized it, slapped his forehead and said "Great Grief!" lol Is like "Good Grief" but more intense? And Charlie Brown thought he had it bad.
And this one was emailed to me....
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is Today is the Super Bowl! If anyone needs me, I'll be on the couch. Better yet, nodody better need me today. I'm busy. 15 January Random ThoughtsWell, actually that’s the way all my thoughts are–totally random. My mind jumps all over the place constantly. It’s not that I’m totally hooked on seeing pictures of myself or showing them off. It’s not that I care more about myself than my kids. It’s just that I don’t feel comfortable showing the world pictures of my sweet children. It sometimes seems unsafe. Anyone can come look at pics of my innocent and wonderful kids. I don’t like that. But pics of me? Well, who cares. Pouring dark soda into a dark glass in a dark room could easily lead to a mess. I speak from experience. One of the rewards our kids get for filling out certain things on their charts is a pop or candy bar. Our daughter wanted a candybar this week. So I picked one up while grocery shopping. My husband was concerned about buying 3 to 6 candybars a week. I didn’t understand his concern. "Aren’t they 75 cents a piece?" He pointed out. "No!" I said. "Last I knew they were about 50 cents." Well I checked my receipt and sure enough, they were 80 cents. I was shocked. I remember being a cashier at Meijer ringing up candy bars for 45 cents. Then I realized that it was EIGHT YEARS ago! Oh my! THIS is what old people feel like! They think something was yesterday and it turns out to be nearly a decade ago. I’m doomed. And darn it all...I forgot what else I was gonna say.... I guess this will have to do:
how much more imperfect could I be asking questions that don’t need answers looking under rugs and searching for lost things sometimes they are lost for a reason why do I feel the need to look in dark and dusty corners? Dust bunnies don’t make good friends
Don't worry, I know I'm crazy.
6 January Wit and Wisdom...and a late correctionI did that Seven Things quiz the other day and when it came time to put down 7 movies I could watch again and again, I cannot believe that I forgot about the old Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns!! I LOVE those! I also forgot a movie that AmyLynn put on her list--"My Fair Lady".
Okay now that is out of the way, on to wit and wisdom. I have been doing puzzles again lately so here are some gems from those books. BTW, I highly recommend Penny Press puzzle books. Dell are okay, too.
We are Bent by hard work but broke without it.
Most of the things that come to a man who waits are often not the things he was waiting for.
A bank account is a lot like toothpaste--easy to take out and hard to put back.
Anyone who marries for money earns it. (my husband did not think this was funny)
Refusing to have an opinion is just another way of having one.
Too many people think they are being creative when they are just being different. (Guilty!)
Tact is merely doing things in ways other people like rather than doing them in ways you like. (LOL I love that one)
Right at the time when a woman thinks her work is all but done, she suddenly becomes a busy grandmother.
And my absolute favorite:
Had we been wise this season, we'd have thrown in the towel a little sooner.
 3 January Why the English Language is Hard to LearnThis was mailed to me years ago. I love to revisit it from time to time.
Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
1. The bandage was wound around the wound 2. The farm was used to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10. I did not object to the object. 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13. They were too close to the door to close it. 14. The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15. A seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer line. 16. To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18. After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 20. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
Really clears things up, doesn't it? 11 December Wit and Wisdomor lack there of.....
From my sister Amy: Iif you think you can't feel any worse, exercise.....then you will.
From my husband: Why do women do this? Why do they relive a conversation instead of just saying what happened?
For men who don't know what to get their wives for Christmas: Victoria Secret’s commercial: "Give me everything I want and nothing I need for Christmas" Remember, guys, she DOESN'T want a casserole dish, iron, or washing machine.
Again from Amy: I’d rather play Life some days than live it.
And finally one from the dear stepson while talking on the phone with his friend about our sick cat: "I think he’s going to like die or something like that."
And lest you think I don't say stupid things.... Bill: "Poor Bon Jovi is washed up." Chris: "No they're not." Bill: "Why do you say that?" Chris: "Just a couple years ago they had a big hit and were a big thing." Bill: "Really? What was that?" Chris: "I don't know." yeah, real big hit that one.
Have a great week, folks. GO DONUTS!!!!! 5 wins in a row, baby! yay! 6 November Wit and WisdomYes, it's that time again! I haven't been paying attention like I should have been, but here's what I have:
My daughter asked if we were going home or somewhere else. My husband said "home is somewhere else." My stepson, looking out the window at Pizza Hut replied, "Pizza Hut is somewhere else too."
I told my stepson to go wait for the school bus, but he reminded me that it was an hour too early! I said to my daughter, "I am an hour ahead of myself! How did that happen?" "Maybe you’re thinking too fast." She said kindly.
The kids were playing ‘rock paper scissors’ with their friends. My stepson suggested a new form: "deer apple car".
The following is an excerpt from a conversation with one of my sisters... "Hopefully I'll get time to mow my legs....then maybe I'll be able to wear a skirt. It's cold outside!! I need the extra layer to keep warm!! That's my excuse for my latest weight gain also!!"
On church sign: "Only turkeys don’t give thanks" (thanks to Ruth)
That's it for this edition! I love finding the humor folks give me every day!
28 September Less Wit and WisdomThere is a lack of wisdom in my household. We look like a family of morons. We're an advertisement for birth control. Stepson says his math teacher never said they had to show their work. Right...what math teacher has every told their students that? I said I'd bet him $2 that he was wrong. He said no way, he didn't want to risk it. My 7 year old daughter was doing her homework...8-4=.....yes, 6. I parked my bike outside the school after doing my crossing guard duty. After I put my vest and stop sign away, I was stopped by a teacher who had a question about my kids. We talked about it and then I walked away...feeling as if I was forgetting something. I didn't sign in or out and I walked right past my bike. Duh. My stepson claimed that I could not put his sandwich or muffin in his lunch bag on top of his applesauce. "It will explode." he explained. Putting a muffin and sandwich on top of it will make it explode? "Yes." he said. Couldn't be the text books in your backpack squashed it when you dropped your bag to the ground? "Oh." sighhhh.... 26 September More Wit and Wisdom It's high time we had another installment of wit and wisdom. I'd post them more often, but it's difficult to collect bits of wit or wisdom around here.  I have volunteered in the twin's classrooms for a few years, so several of the kids at their school know who I am. They expressed shock at seeing me as a 'recess lady'. One little girl walked up to me and blurted, "Did you take someone's job?!"
 "We are too good to husbands and children,.. really we should just make the food we like, and if they don't like it.. well, how long will they have their food strike for?" Great wisdom from Nat! But I know she's far too sweet to do that to her family.
"A haircut is not a need, it’s a want." Wisdom from my stepson.
My dear sweet husband did some computer work for one of my aunts. She asked him more than once how much she owed him. He said she only owed him for the hard drive he had to buy for it. She said she'd mail the check to him. When he got it he saw that she had written it for more than the hard drive cost. He smiled and said "Your aunt listens like a grandma." If you're not sure what he meant by that or you are concerned that he's commenting on the auditory health of senior citizens, let me know and I can explain it to you.
"You have a hairy back." I said to my son. "I know." He replied. "I don't care. It's just natural to my body."
This is an exact quote from my stepson's homework. I had quite a laugh. "School is a place you lern about different subjects."
If anyone is interested in giving me wit or wisdom for my next wit and wisdom posting, let me know. 4 September More Wit And WisdomSeen on a local Baptist church sign:
"The price of gas is high.
The price of sin is higher."
I do love that one!
 Nat and I were both saying that we don't wear make up often. Her sound reasoning..."Well, there is no reason to wear it everyday, they accept me in the supermarket the way i am"
I love it!!
I told my son that he had another email. "From who?", he asked. "From Grandma.", I explained, "You sent her one so she sent you one." He sighed and said, "I don't know when this email stuff will ever end."
 ....I am still sick. Friday I could barely sit up. The world was spinning and my head hurt and hurt. Yesterday was much better but in the evening the world was spinning again and my head hurt. This morning I feel much the same way. The doctor will definatly hear from me Tuesday when the office opens! I am such a wimp.
 My sister and her husband are taking the twins to church today.
 (since I am unable to go) One of those pictures is of a weed I used to play with as a child. Sounds weird, I guess. But it's multi color and you can pull them off with your fingers...was fun. |
Those of us who are hard on ourselves for the way we think we look could learn a lesson from that!
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